Sunday, October 24, 2010

Strange feelings

I am writing this under yesterday's date so it will not interfere with dear Claire's birthday being the only really important thing that happened this day—or fourteen years ago, for that matter.

A very strange thing happened to me this morning; I shall have trouble putting it in words.

I went into the office to greet Jonathan since I hadn't seen him when he came in. He had his back to me and when I called him he quickly jumped back, turned around and wished me good morning. We quickly kissed and he got back to his work but not before I'd caught a glimpse of him as I'd never seen it before.

He looked old, ragged, worn, adult, used, almost a little fearful. I caught an unforgettable and unknown glimpse of him then that filled me with uncontrollable and unexplainable sadness. I came very close to expressing my grief but didn't.

I returned to my office with a renewed sense of my own age—there's nothing wrong with getting old but it's always funny when the feeling first strikes you. Up till that time, you've just been you. Eternally young, eternally existent in the now.

It struck me that my life is over, in the sense that what I have done, I have done. I must leave and respect the older ones—and I do respect what they have become. It is so easy to keep them eternally "children".

Becky, Christopher, Claire, and Olivier are now our only "children"—without disowning the older ones (God forbid, I don't mean that) but we now have four "little" ones to finish training.

And I'm impressed that I must not interfere with the lives of the older children—it's so easy to keep them as children forever and thereby cramp their style. The remaining life that God gives me I must spend on training the younger ones and enjoying the older ones, for this is their life now.




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